if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Floor bacon is actually really good
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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