he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
