Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
