mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
