Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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