and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
