i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
