new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
