I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
