"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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