You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
