I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
a search helicopter?!
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
