He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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