I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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