how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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