On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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