I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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