Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
