My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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