whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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