Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Randomize
