I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
