where am i from again
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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