Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
