She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
