I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
