You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
