I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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