I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
