got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Sorry my hands just texted you
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
