you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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