He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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