I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
