i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
