Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
