This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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