Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
