woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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