I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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