just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
