If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
