gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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