So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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