He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
