My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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