he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
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