Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
