So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
