Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
