nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
