you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
