By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
