Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
