Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
